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Your Application to the International Church of Goth Wannabees

A Quote


I: Personal Information- How we get to know you.


Name: (Note: MUST include at least one archaic word that you’ve never seen outside of nineteenth century poetry. If this is not possible, names which include synonyms for the word "black" will be accepted on a case by case basis.)

Date of Birth:

Sex: (Note: Wearing a dress, lace, and lipstick does not qualify you as female.)

Extent of Education:


Place of Birth: (Note: It is suggested that you fictionalize something more dramatic than "Acron, Ohio".)


II: Qualifying Exam- How we determine if you are a true Goth wannabee.


1: You enjoy listening to:

A: Third Eye Blind

B: Those cute Hanson kids

C: Life of Agony

D: The death wails of local pets.

2: Appropriate school attire is:

A: A turtle neck sweater, or, alternately, a vest, and dockers.

B: Short pants and a Garfield t-shirt.

C: A black dress and black and white make up.

D: A fishnet body suit with gender-bending rubber attachments.

3: Your hair:

A: Is neat and orderly at all times.

B: Is constantly in the way when you’re trying to stare into the sun.

C: Is in black and red spikes down your head.

D: Is growing back after the blow torch incident.

4: Suicide:

A: Is always such a tragedy.

B: Is a new perfume from Calvin Klein

C: Is the only sane response to the insanity of the world.

D: Hasn’t worked yet, but you’re still trying.

5: College:

A: Will be an exciting new challenge.

B: Would be a good idea, but you’re not allowed to use a glue stick..

C: Is for self deluding fools who believe they have a future.

D: Is for self deluding fools who believe they have a future, and it’s probably too difficult to get drugs there anyway.

6: The future:

A: Will be basically good, much like in Star Trek

B: Will be basically cheesy, much like in Cheetos commercials.

C: Will be basically bad, much like in A Clockwork Orange

D: Will be a living hell, much like in Terminator 2

7: Your blood:

A: Is a little high in cholesterol.

B: Is a tasty treat when used in cream pies!

C: Runs cold through your blackened heart.

D: Is 95% heroin.

8: The sun:

A: Makes for good beach weather.

B: Has a big smiley face on it when drawn correctly.

C: Burns the flesh and blinds the eye.

D: Is the enemy of the dark one who awaits us all.

9: Self mutilation:

A: Is sick.

B: Is funny.

C: Is cool.

D: Is a way of life.

10: Poetry is best when:

A: It tells a moving story, or reveals true love.

B: It contains the word "Blammo!"

C: It leaves the reader in a state of aggressive depression.

D: It’s carved upon a tombstone.


Answer Key: Mostly…

A's: You are a trendy jerk. Get outta here before we collectively kick your ass.

B's: You are either a small child or a moron. What the hell is your problem?

C's: Congratulations! You are a true Goth Wannabee, now start sulking.

D's: You are Marilyn Manson, and we don’t like you anymore, you back-stabbing sell-out.

III: Essay Section

Construct a five paragraph essay on the following topic: The inherent damnation of the human soul is best displayed by what cult music phenomenon, and in conjunction with what cult movie? How?


Sign here (Note: Must be in ink, black, or blood. Numerous swirls and overly ornate characters a plus.)

Putting down the unusual, but useless, document, you look around once more. Still, nothing but the envelope and the guestbook. You...


...sign the Guestbook? the envelope?